


pastel arrow, pierce me through the heart

by jaeminsna (mochamilk)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Light Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Teen Romance, basically just a whole lot of self-projection, hyuck is a saint, long fic, pastel!jaemin, punk!renjun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-07-07 17:46:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15913194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochamilk/pseuds/jaeminsna
Summary: Renjun might as well carry around a sign that says ‘handle with care’.





	1. dive into my sun

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

By the time Renjun is eighteen years and five months of age, he has three facial piercings, seven ear piercings, and two tattoos.

His parents hate it.

“Renjun…” His mom sighs, leaning her hip against the kitchen counter. “Will you please take those out? School is starting soon. Or actually, your cousin’s wedding is in three weeks, so at least have them out by then. I’m begging you, honey.”

‘Them’, or ‘they’, refers to the thin metal bar that’s pierced through his left eyebrow and his matching silver snakebites. His father _tsks_ from where he’s scrolling through his work tablet at the dining table. Renjun rolls his eyes.

“I can’t take the lip ones out yet, I told you that already. They haven’t healed completely. And I paid for these with my own money, mom, so...mind your business, okay? I’m going to take Feng out for a walk,” he mutters, finishing the rest of his bagel and trudging up the stairs to retrieve his pet lizard.

 

-

 

School starts on the twenty-ninth of August on an overly sunny Wednesday. 

Renjun spends most of the drive there huffing quietly to himself and playing with the frayed holes in his jeans. His mother stays silent the entire time, her expression blank, but Renjun can feel the tenseness coming off of her in waves. 

“Thanks mom,” he says as he steps out of the car. He ducks down to give her a wave goodbye but she drives off in an instant, leaving him a little dumbstruck and offended. He straightens himself out, shoves his earbuds into his ears properly and makes his way into the building.

He gets looks from more than a handful of unfamiliar people as he walks through the main hall. A group of freshmen (Renjun knows they’re freshmen because they’re shorter than him) let their nervous gazes linger on him as they scuttle by. 

He still has a good six minutes left until the first hour bell rings, so he stops by the bathroom to check his eyeliner. He’s fixing his hair in the mirror, fingers messing with the bright red strands, when someone exits one of the stalls and comes up to wash their hands at the sink right next to him.

“I like your hair,” the guy says. Renjun locks eyes with him in the mirror.

“...Thanks,” he murmurs. He’s never seen this guy before. He’s tall, at least two inches taller than Renjun (unsurprising), with pale pink hair and long, dangly earrings. Renjun spots the tiny rainbow heart pinned onto his sweater and smirks. Cute.

“Are you new?” 

The other boy tilts his head down shyly. “Yeah. I moved here four days ago. I don’t know how I feel about the school just yet, but I like the area,” he shrugs, smiling. Renjun nods and offers him a tight-lipped smile.

“Cool. I’ll see you around,” he says and turns to leave. He hears the other breathe out a laugh that echoes in the bathroom briefly before blocking everything out with his headphones.

 

-

 

By the time third period rolls around, Renjun is feeling tired, sensitive, and mildly destructive. He slouches over in his desk and chews on his flavorless gum, waiting for his English teacher to get through the syllabus. He’s a minute away from falling asleep, eyelids drooping down dangerously, when someone rushes into the room and causes the door to bang open right by him. It startles him completely awake. Renjun blinks his eyes open and scowls.

“What the fuck,” he mutters, then realizes that it’s the pink-haired boy from earlier. He’s apologizing profusely to their teacher. Renjun can make out “sorry”, “late”, and “lost” in his panicked flurry of words. Mr. H just pats him on the back and tells him to take a seat wherever he fancies.

The only open spots are the desks to the right of and behind Renjun (he’s in a corner seat), because apparently his classmates think he’s going to shank them if they sit anywhere near him. The funny thing is, they’ve all been in the same classes since the sixth grade. Jaemin spots him and smiles bashfully, looking overly joyful for ten a.m., before settling down into the desk next to his. Renjun shrugs.

They’re halfway through the period when Renjun realizes that he left his only pencil in his previous class. He taps the pink-haired boy’s shoulder, mouthing, _‘pencil?’,_ to which he nods and hands him a pastel purple mechanical with a dangling shooting star charm. Renjun usually finds these things sort of childish, but it’s kind of cute coming from him. He murmurs, ‘thanks,’ and starts filling out the first page of their campus survey.

He misses Feng.

 

-

 

Someone bumps their elbow into his side on his way to the cafeteria. “Hey, loser,” Donghyuck snickers into his ear, uncomfortably close as always. Renjun’s used to it by now; he’s had six years to get used to Donghyuck in every annoying, frustrating, and loving way.

Renjun sighs, gripping the straps of his backpack until his knuckles turn white. “God, I want to die.”

Donghyuck nudges him again. “It’s only the first day, Satan,” he replies sarcastically. Renjun closes his eyes, heaves another sigh, and keeps walking. He steps forward blindly until Donghyuck pulls him back by his belt chain and prevents him from walking right into someone. “Okay, fine. You wanna die, whatever.”

That makes Renjun smile. He then opens his eyes to assess the cafeteria in all of its crowded, loud, and generally disturbing glory.

“Did you bring lunch?” 

“Nah,” he says. “I’m not gonna eat.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “You’ll die from malnutrition.”

“And what about it?” Renjun bites back lightly. They sit at the table that they sat at last year and Renjun watches as Donghyuck pulls out a chicken wrap and an organic smoothie from his bag.

“Oi, Lee Jeno!” Renjun calls out to the figure standing in front of the school’s lone vending machine. Jeno whips around and makes a _‘what?’_ face at him, somehow knowing that it was Renjun who called him. ( _“It’s ‘cause you sound like a twelve year old.” “Hyuck, your voice is literally higher than mine you fucking rat.”_.) Renjun leans back in his chair and makes a kissy face at his other best friend, smirking proudly when Jeno cringes and turns his back to him.

“Do you mind if I sit here…?” Someone asks from behind him. Renjun tilts his head back to see, oh. Pink Hair.

“Hey,” he greets, and nods. “Yeah, no problem.”

Pink Hair smiles at him gratefully and plops down onto the chair next to him. “Wow, thanks. I was kind of worried that I’d have nowhere to sit.”

“You can sit here with us whenever you want. Uh,” Renjun looks back at Donghyuck who’s looking at Pink Hair curiously, mouth hung open just a little. He leans forward and mutters into his friend’s ear, “I know he sort of looks like a...fairy-slash-angel, and he might seem a little soft for us, but he seems fine. Be nice or whatever.”

“Th-thanks. I’m Jaemin, by the way,” Pink Hair— _Jaemin,_ says, and starts digging into his salad. Renjun spots strawberries and walnuts and feels his mouth water.

“I’m Renjun. This is my dumbass best friend Donghyuck, but I call him Hyuck,” he gestures towards Donghyuck who’s mid-bite into his chicken wrap. Then he spots Jeno approaching their table and adds, “That’s my other best friend, Jeno. Jeno say hi.”

“Uh, hi,” Jeno waves politely at Jaemin, who waves back. Renjun stares a little. There are a multitude of thin, sparkly pink rings adorning Jaemin’s long fingers and a word bead bracelet that says ‘born with it’ around his wrist. He tries not to stare too hard and looks down at his imaginary lunch.

“Do you want some?” Jaemin asks him, offering him the opened end of a box of strawberry pocky. Renjun blinks. Of course Jaemin would bring strawberry pocky to school.

“I’m good, but thanks.”

They’re not even halfway through the lunch period when Lucas Wong shows up.

“Hey guys,” he greets, slamming his giant hands down onto their table and visibly startling both Donghyuck and Jaemin. He grins. “I’m running for hoco king this year, you should vote for me.”

“...It’s the first day of school,” Renjun deadpans.

“Yeah, and? Homecoming is in a month, I’m trying to get the word out early,” he persists.

“Like you won’t win anyway,” Donghyuck grumbles under his breath. Lucas catches it. His grin grows even wider.

“Aw, man, you think so? Thanks Hyuck!” He leans forward and pats him on the back. It’s more of a hard smack, Donghyuck’s upper body lurches forward from the force.

“Don’t call me that,” he mutters, but Lucas has already moved onto the next table.

Renjun turns to see, with horror, that Jaemin is staring at Lucas with literal. Heart. Eyes.

“Oh, no. No. He’s not worth it,” Renjun says, turning Jaemin back around by his shoulders. “Trust me, I know he’s hot—like _twelve course meal_ hot—but,”

“He’s an idiot,” Donghyuck finishes for him, looking bitter.

“Donghyuck hates Lucas because he had a giant crush on him in freshman year and never got the chance to confess,” Jeno snickers, ignoring the sharp look that Donghyuck gives him. He only shuts up when Donghyuck kicks him hard in the shin.

But Jaemin isn’t paying attention to that. “Wait,” he says, looking slightly confused. “You’re…?”

Donghyuck looks at him. That’s when he notices the tiny rainbow heart pin on his sweater. His expression softens. “Yeah. I’m gay.” 

Jaemin’s face lights up. “Oh my god. Okay, great.”

Renjun raises his hand slightly. “Actually, I am too.” He offers Jaemin a small smile. Then he leans forward and whispers, fairly obviously, “Jeno claims to be straight, but I’m pretty sure he’s bi. The only straight one in our friend group is Jisung, probably. You’ll meet him later.”

Jeno glares at Renjun. “Stop spreading rumors about me.”

“I’m not, you twat. You literally have four giant posters of Exo’s Baekhyun hidden under your bed.”

Jeno gasps. “I can’t believe you just _said_ that out _loud_ —“ he lunges across the table at him but he sneaks behind Jaemin just in time, using the taller boy as a barrier between them. He pauses for a moment when he notices Jaemin’s scent. It’s kind of hard not to; Jaemin smells like strawberries and warm sugar and Renjun’s got a sensitive nose.

He leans away when Jeno settles back into his seat, looking equally betrayed and annoyed.

“You smell nice,” Renjun murmurs to Jaemin, who blushes a little and smiles.

“Thanks, it’s my shower gel. And this really cute perfume that my sister got for me in Japan,” he says. Renjun leans forward and props his chin on his palm, nodding.

Donghyuck nudges him in the leg. He glances over. _‘Did you just say that he_ smells _nice?’_ he mouths incredulously. Renjun glares at him, mouthing _‘fuck off’,_ and turns back to watch Jaemin dip his pocky into some yogurt and eat it.

 

-

 

Renjun sinks into his bed with a deep sigh. Feng lies on top of his chest and stares at him quietly, unmoving. He smiles and runs his fingers down his pet’s soft, bumpy back in a fond gesture. “School sucks. You’d think one would get used to it after so long…

“But there’s this pretty cute guy. He seems sweet. I don’t know,” he swirls his tongue around one of his snakebites in thought. “What about you, babe? How was your day?”

Feng walks forward and latches himself onto Renjun’s chin.

“Did you miss me?” he asks. No answer. “I missed you.”

A light knock comes from the other side of his door. “Renjun, dinner.”

“Okay.”

 

-

 

His morning routine usually goes like this:

School starts at eight twenty-five and he wakes up at seven-fifteen. Some mornings he pauses to drop some crickets and mealworms into Feng’s tank (he makes sure to blow hot air onto the glass and draw a heart afterwards each time). He then migrates to the bathroom to wash up and style his hair to the sound of _Citizen_ and _The Neighborhood_ playing through his speakers. Outfits are often planned out the night before, but sometimes...

Sometimes he doesn’t feel like doing all of that. There are mornings when he gets up at eight a.m. and rolls right out of bed, throwing on some jeans and a t-shirt and shuffling to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He skips breakfast and dozes off on the car ride to school. Then he falls asleep in his first four periods and misses his lessons and assignments that he has to make up at home on his shitty laptop. 

He barely talks to anyone. Donghyuck pulls him into a hug during lunch and lays his head on top of his chest. Renjun doesn’t protest, just shuts his eyes and breathes in deeply, and Jeno reaches over to pat his unstyled hair down in a comforting gesture.

Jaemin watches this all happen on the third day of school with a worried look. 

“Are you okay?” he asks tentatively, and Renjun just nods his chin slightly, face still pressed into Donghyuck’s chest. Donghyuck runs a soothing hand down his back. 

“It’s like this sometimes,” Jeno supplies helpfully. Jaemin nods, concerned gaze lingering on Renjun’s slumped-over form for the remainder of lunch.

 

-

 

“Hey,” Jaemin stops him in the hallway after the last bell has rung. Renjun looks up at him blearily. “Can I give you my number?”

Renjun blinks. “Yeah. Here.” He hands him his phone and watches as Jaemin types his number into a new contact. 

“Thanks. Um...text me whenever you want. I’m almost always available, so...yeah. I’m here for you,” he says and squeezes Renjun’s shoulder lightly. Then he moves back to give him space. 

Renjun bites his lip and stares down at the flurry of pink emojis surrounding Jaemin’s name on his screen. At that moment he gets a text from his mom saying, _'Just got called into the office. Sorry I can’t pick you up, find yourself a ride home today sweetie.'_

Fuck. 

He calls Donghyuck. 

“Can you take me home?” he asks, voice trembling just slightly. He ducks into a far corner of the hallway, separating himself from the rest of the students currently walking through the corridor.

“Shit, Renjun. I didn’t bring my car today,” Donghyuck responds apologetically. “I’m taking the bus. I’m sorry. Maybe you can wait til Jen’s done with practice? His dad is picking him up afterwards.”

Renjun contemplates it. “Yeah, whatever. Thanks. I’ll text you later,” he murmurs. Donghyuck hums in response but it’s quickly cut off by the sound of someone slapping his phone out of his hand. It’s followed by a loud _thump_ that makes Renjun flinch back.

 _“Jisung, you fucker! You wanna fight?!”_ He hears Donghyuck screaming distantly. He hangs up and starts making his way to the soccer field.

-

By the time he makes it to the field, his shirt is stuck to his back with sweat and he feels like he’s run half a mile. He spots Jeno among the other soccer players and chooses a shaded spot to wait in. He reluctantly peels his jacket off and hangs it on one of the tree’s branches, pausing to fan himself with his hand. 

It’s too fucking hot for him to be wearing all black.

He gingerly sits himself down beneath the tree, checking for any ants or other bugs on the ground beforehand. He leans his head back against the trunk and closes his eyes for a moment, head pounding. He’s dehydrated and he knows it.

He spends the following half hour watching Jeno play on the field. At one point, his vision gets a little blurry and he ends up falling asleep.

“Hey, princess.”

Renjun startles awake. He blinks up at Jeno, who’s smiling and wiping his forehead with a towel. His neck feels sticky and uncomfortably stiff.

“Hey. Are you done?”

“Yeah, come on. I’ll give you a ride,” Jeno offers him a hand. He takes it. He’s heaved up pretty easily, and he pauses to stretch, bones cracking everywhere in the process. Jeno offers to take his backpack to the car and Renjun just nods, grabbing his jacket from where it’s hanging off of the branch. He bundles it up in his arms and leans his chin onto it as they walk.

“You feeling any better?” Jeno asks, gently. Comfortingly. Renjun shrugs.

“I think I have an ant bite on my butt.” 

Jeno laughs. 

“No, I’m serious. Like it hurts,” Renjun sighs and frowns. Jeno just pats his back and opens the car door for him when they reach his dad’s car.

“Hello Mr. Lee,” he greets, offering Jeno’s dad a weak smile. The man turns around in his seat to greet him properly.

“Renjun! It’s always nice to see you. How is school?”

“Great,” he lies. Once Jeno is settled into the passenger’s seat, they start driving to Renjun’s house.

 

-

 

Renjun stands in front of his open fridge and stares at its contents blankly. He’s freshly showered and dressed in loose pajamas, consisting of an XXXL gray t-shirt and boxers. 

He briefly thinks about skipping dinner but then realizes that he hasn’t eaten anything all day. He heats up some rice and grabs an apple from the fridge. He takes a bite into it after running it under the tap and digs a spoon into his rice. There are side dishes and stew in a container in the fridge, but he disregards them completely and settles with his sad depression dinner. It’s what he feels he deserves today.

His dad comes home from work at nine-thirty p.m. and his mother even later, but he’s already in bed by then. He curls up under the covers and unlocks his phone, blinking tiredly at the screen.

 _this is RJ,_ he sends to Jaemin, and then swipes into his conversation with Donghyuck.

 _Sorry I couldn’t take you home today. I love you._

_[Audio message]_

Renjun clicks on it and brings his speaker up to his ear, keeping it at a low volume.

 _‘I love you~ Injunie~~ Feel better!’_ Donghyuck sings and ends the audio note with a bunch of fake kissy sounds. Renjun lets himself smile a little and sends a red heart emoji back. Then he swipes into his conversation with Jeno.

_Did you eat dinner? Call me if you need anything._

Renjun sighs. He ignores the faint fluttering in his chest and replies with, _Yea. Thanks._

He gets a text from Jaemin.

_hi! :)) how are you? do u feel better?? LMK if u need anything <333_

Renjun stares at the message until he falls asleep.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	2. see me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no mention of our baby feng in this chapter :(
> 
> \+ i’m so sorry this took so long to upload! i recently made the decision to drop out of school and things have been pretty hectic, to say the least. hopefully this longer(ish) chapter makes up for it. thank u all for your love and support <3

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

By the time Renjun wakes up the next morning, it’s almost noon and his parents have already gone to work. He’s hanging onto the last remnants of his dream, drifting in and out of sleep, when the sound of light footsteps coming towards his room startles him awake.

He turns over and blinks his eyes open blearily.

Jeno's standing in his doorway, dressed in joggers and a loose t-shirt. Right. Spare key. 

“Hey.”

“—the fuck are you doing here,” Renjun grumbles quietly, words slurred with sleep. He shoves his face back into his pillow. Jeno laughs and walks over to sit on the corner of his bed, making it dip down with his weight.

“Hyuck got dragged to see his little brother’s choir concert at like, ten a.m., so I came by to check on you,” Jeno informs him. Renjun doesn’t answer, just gives him a noncommittal grunt in response. Jeno leans forward and tickles his side through the covers.

“FsIdkdfo— _Stop,”_ Renjun seethes, scrambling away from him and curling up in the far corner of his bed. Jeno laughs and rolls over so that he’s lying down, facing him.

“You should eat something. I can make you eggs,” he offers. “Otherwise I know you won’t eat anything until like seven p.m.”

Renjun glares at Jeno from behind the covers. “I don’t want eggs. Do we have yogurt? Did you check my fridge?” he asks, voice quiet and raspy. He’d slept for almost fourteen hours.

“Yeah, I did. You still have a cup of that weird organic greek yogurt left. You should have more than that, though, ‘cause it won’t keep you full for who knows how long,” Jeno says matter-of-factly. Renjun rolls his eyes.

“Whatever,” he mutters and turns around to face the wall. “If you’re making eggs, I want them scrambled.”

 

-

 

Donghyuck ends up coming over about an hour later after Renjun’s had his breakfast of eggs, toast, and an orange (the most diverse it’ll ever get thanks to Jeno), and is now dozing on the couch. Jeno opens the door for him and he bounds into the living room carrying a Starbucks drink holder. He pauses to hand Jeno an iced caramel macchiato.

“Injun-ah,” he calls out gently, leaning down to brush a hand through his sleeping friend’s hair. “I brought you a frappuccino.”

“Mm.”

“Come on, sit up. Here,” Donghyuck pulls the drink out of its cardboard mold and places it into his hand. Renjun sleepily brings the straw up to his lips, or attempts to, because it stabs him in the cheek a couple times before Donghyuck guides it to his mouth with a sigh. Renjun takes a sip. The chill feels like heaven after a nap.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, eyes still closed as he sits up cross-legged on the couch. It’s hot as hell outside, but he likes to turn his a/c down so low that it feels borderline freezing in his house. He wraps his blanket around himself and takes small, sweet sips of his drink.

“I actually have to go in like, fifteen minutes. I agreed to meet Chanhee and some others at the rec,” Jeno mentions.

“That’s fine. Is Nancy gonna be there?” Donghyuck asks, shrugging off his bag and sitting on the couch next to Renjun. “She owes me fifteen bucks.”

“Uh, yeah, I think so. Most of the team is going to be there.”

“‘Kay, let her know I need my money back,” Donghyuck says. Renjun stares down at his lap.

Nancy’s going to be there. 

Nancy Mcdonie. Excellent winger of their school’s soccer team and part-time model outside of school. She’s pretty and well-liked by everybody—Jeno very much included, he thinks, and Renjun himself _not._ Renjun despises (read: only kind of dislikes) her and her perfect skin, hair, and proportions, walking around their school wearing limited-edition Steve Madden boots and Hollister perfume. He feels his jaw clench.

The following twelve minutes consist of Donghyuck and Jeno bickering while Donghyuck cuddles with Renjun on the couch. Renjun pays no attention to the meaningless conversation they’re having, focused instead on the strangely deep plot of the children’s show that’s playing on television. The sound is off, but there are subtitles that move _just_ slow enough for his tired mind to process.

He barely registers the quiet dinging of Jeno’s phone because _Pororo_ is trying to figure out where his best friend had gone missing on screen.

“Bye, guys. I’ll text you,” Jeno says quickly and gets up, reaching down to grab his bag from the floor. Renjun glances at him at the wrong moment. Jeno’s arms seem to span to the ceiling as he stretches, shirt riding up and exposing nearly half of his torso. _What the fuck,_ he frowns.

“Bye,” Donghyuck says, slapping Jeno’s hip as he walks past. Jeno leans over and ruffles Renjun’s hair before leaving out the front door.

 

-

 

Later on that night, hours after Donghyuck had left to pick his little brother up from a birthday party, Renjun sits curled up on the couch, scrolling through his phone. His thumb hovers over the instagram search bar, contemplating whether or not to search up Nancy’s account. _Don’t be desperate,_ he thinks to himself. _Don’t stoop down that low—_

He clicks on the bar and types in _thenancyjewel,_ tapping on the first account that pulls up. There aren’t any new posts from today, he realizes a little dejectedly, but her profile picture is pulsing in an indication that she’s currently doing a live. He knows that his username would show up if he entered the live now, so he quickly switches over to his secret account to avoid being recognized. 

The first thing he notices when he enters the live is that they’re having a pool party of some sort. The camera is filming outwards, and he can hear Nancy giggling loudly behind the screen. It’s dark. Renjun squints. The pool, which he initially thought was the rec’s public pool, is actually behind someone’s house. He doesn’t know whose house it is, but he guesses that it’s either Nancy’s or boy Hyunjin’s, who currently has girl Hyunjin propped up on his shoulders in a game of chicken fight.

He spots Jeno standing in the pool a few feet away with a couple of last year’s seniors, shouting and hollering at the struggling participants of the game. This goes on for a few minutes until Felix Lee topples into the water and causes everyone to cheer. Then, a pale, lanky figure comes running towards the pool and cannonballs right into the center of it, resulting in a swarm of protests from the pool’s habitants.

 _“Yah! Yoon Sanha!”_ Nancy yells, laughing. The camera shifts around unsteadily for a moment until she props her phone up onto the pool chair. It shows a clear view of the pool from a lower angle, and he watches as she runs towards it and jumps in, splashing Olivia in the face and making her splutter.

 _“Savage!”_ Yells someone from the edge of the pool. Renjun, admittedly, has his attention focused on Jeno, who has one of the guys—Felix?—in a headlock. It’s crazy how he can recognize these people through the small screen, but he remembers that Nancy has an IPhone X and rich people have great wifi. Everything’s as clear as glass.

Soon, having lost interest, he exits the live and switches back to his main account. He clicks on his notifications and checks his follow requests; he’s denied eighteen requests from school people since school's started. It’s like this every year. He sighs.

A certain user catches his eye. 

_User jaemin ☆ (@na.jaem) has requested to follow you.  
Confirm. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Delete._

Renjun blinks. He clicks on the icon to view Jaemin’s account.

na.jaem  
32 posts⠀⠀438 followers⠀⠀212 following  
**jaemin ☆**  
brooklyn baby ﾟ.+(〃ﾉωﾉ)ﾟ.+°

Renjun’s mouth falls open slightly as he scrolls down Jaemin’s feed.

Everything is pink.

He’s hit with bright, pastel filters over every photo, the content ranging from pictures of café foods to selfies in berets to multiple pictures of the same cat that Renjun assumes is his.

The cat is cute. So is Jaemin. 

He also seems to have a boyfriend.

Renjun clicks curiously on a photo of two people holding hands over a table. It’s captioned, _date •3•_ followed by a slew of pink heart emojis. It’s a multi-slide post so he swipes left.

“Fuck,” Renjun’s heart jumps.

The guy is freaking good-looking. Like absolutely _god-like._ He’s tall, with slim, sharp features and longish hair that falls slightly over his face. _A model?,_ he wonders and taps on the photo to see if he’s tagged. He is.

hwi_099  
30 posts⠀⠀921 followers⠀⠀166 following  
**김영균 hwiyoung**  
uni. producer. 

Renjun’s eyes widen in surprise. _Uni?_ Holy shit. He tentatively scrolls down to look through the person’s photos. They’re mainly shots of what seems to be the same music studio, accompanied by a (handsome) selfie or two and a wandering coffee cup here and there. He stops at a picture taken of Jaemin from a month ago. The younger is curled up in bed with his eyes closed, his hair a pale blonde, a soft contrast to its current light pink. _I’ll miss you,_ is the caption. 

Renjun feels a slight pang in his chest. He’s used to feeling a little lonely, having never been in a relationship before. He wonders if the two are still together after Jaemin’s move, considering Jaemin had openly checked Lucas out on the first day of school. But they still have pictures of each other up on their accounts, so.

He accepts Jaemin’s follow request, promptly following him back in the process. 

 

-

 

Sundays are his mom’s day off. They go out to buy groceries and run errands, and Renjun has his earphones in the whole time, but it’s fine because his mom doesn’t talk to him anyway. 

He wakes up feeling a bit lighter the next morning. He’d spent over an hour the previous night texting Jaemin on iMessage and instagram DM, slowly getting accustomed to the other’s enthusiasm and heavy use of emoticons. For reference, Jaemin’s normal texting style is equivalent to how Donghyuck texts when he’s being ironic.

_(10:23pm.  
huangxrj: youre from brooklyn?_

__

_10:23pm.  
na.jaem: lol no, north carolina_

_10:24pm._  
_huangxrj: oh_  
_huangxrj: it says brooklyn baby in your bio_

_10:25pm.  
na.jaem: it’s a lana del rey song!! (≧ω≦)୨)_

 

“Hi,” Renjun says as he settles into his desk next to Jaemin’s. The other's smile visibly brightens.

“Hey.”

“Did you do the reading?” Renjun asks, leaning his elbow onto his desk and facing him.

“Yeah. It was pretty easy. Did you want to see my notes?” Jaemin questions, looking at him openly. He’s such an _open_ person. Renjun nods.

“If that’s okay.” Jaemin nods, mumbling, _'of course',_ and hands him a stationery notebook. It's opened to a page filled halfway with notes. They're color-coded. Renjun grins, amused. “Thanks.”

English goes by pretty uneventfully. They go over the reading that they were assigned on Friday and spend the rest of the period doing prompt-based writing. After that, he and Jaemin part ways to go to their fourth periods and then meet again for lunch.

“Gays,” Donghyuck greets as he approaches them.

“In attendance,” Renjun mutters. Jaemin smiles around his spoon. “Where’s Jeno?” 

Donghyuck shrugs and takes a bite of his pasta. “Don’t know, don’t care. Oh wait. There he is,” he says, nudging his chin towards his right. Renjun’s gaze shifts over. 

“Huh.”

First of all, Jeno’s hair is different. “When’d he do that?” Renjun asks to no one in particular. Donghyuck makes a clueless noise in the back of his throat. 

Second, he’s talking to a group of sophomore girls who all look like they’re about to melt into a conjoined puddle because of his eye smile.

Jaemin hums from beside him. 

“It looks nice,” he says. Renjun tilts his head to the side.

Jeno’s hair _does_ look nice. Really nice, actually. His previously black hair has been lightened to a honey-blonde, and it makes him look even paler than before. Renjun stares at him unknowingly until Jeno catches his eye and gives him a sheepish wave. Renjun waves back, albeit a little blankly.

“Your hair,” he announces as Jeno jogs over to their table and sets his lunch down. 

“Yeah,” he says, smiling shyly. “I did it yesterday.”

“ _You_ did?” Renjun asks, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

“Oh, well, Nancy did. She’d been trying to get me to dye my hair for weeks, so I just let her,” Jeno shrugs and takes a gulp of his gatorade. Renjun feels something snap inside of him, distantly, like a fissure.

He doesn’t really talk much for the rest of lunch. 

He knows he’s being unnecessary, is aware of the confused glances that Jeno keeps giving him, but he can’t really help that his mood’s gone sour after the revelation that Jeno had been at Nancy’s house yesterday, probably letting her do things like run her hands through his hair and make fun of him (things that should be reserved for Renjun only, but strangely both things that he hasn’t done in a while). 

Renjun just blinks and keeps his mouth shut tight. Jaemin gives his elbow a quick squeeze under the table, making him startle and snap out of his thoughts. Renjun offers him a tight-lipped smile. 

Donghyuck seems to be oblivious to it all, but Renjun gets a text from him after seventh period stating, _‘Can I come over today? I’ll take u home xo’_

Renjun replies with, _‘yea. thanks’,_ and mentally contemplates shoving himself inside of his locker and living there.

 

-

 

“So,” Donghyuck starts, right as they pull out of the Starbucks drive-thru. Renjun jiggles his iced matcha latte to get the powder mixed in. “What’s up with you and Jen?”

Renjun pauses. “What do you mean,” he tries dully.

“Babe,” Donghyuck pauses to take a sip of his drink. “You know what I mean. I’ve been suspecting…something, for a while now, but...” he drifts off. Renjun stays silent.

“We’ll talk about it when we get home,” Donghyuck finishes.

When they do reach Renjun’s house, Donghyuck sets his backpack onto the kitchen counter and grabs Renjun by his wrists, proceeding to manhandle him up the stairs and into his room. Renjun’s backpack barely hits the floor before he’s pushed onto the bed and pulled into a tight hug.

“Talk to me,” Donghyuck whines, wrapping his arms around Renjun’s waist and flailing him around.

“About what,” Renjun sighs. 

“Jeno.”

“What about him.”

Donghyuck looks up at the ceiling, movements falling still. “I can’t tell whether you hate him now,” he says, playing with Renjun’s fingers. “Or love him.”

Renjun swallows. “Love is a strong word,” he admits honestly.

Donghyuck turns his head to look at him. “Then, like?”

“I don’t know, Hyuck.”

“Injun,” Donghyuck says, seriously. “I think I do. I think I know. And it’s okay, there’s no judgment here,” he turns over and pulls him back into his embrace, holding him tighter when his breaths begin to stutter.

 

-

 

On Wednesday, their English class is assigned a project and is given the freedom to work on it with whoever they want. Renjun glances over at Jaemin to find the other already peering at him curiously. Jaemin’s face breaks into a grin.

“The assignment is due next Friday, in nearly ten days’ time. Don’t forget to manage your time wisely. The minimum is three pages and it’s your first summative grade of this grading period,” their teacher informs them just as the dismissal bell rings.

“Talk about this at lunch?” Jaemin asks him quickly as they step out of the classroom. Renjun nods and returns his blinding smile to the best of his ability. 

They end up establishing a basic schedule for the rest of the week during lunch, Renjun promptly ignoring the innocent curiosity on Jeno’s face as he watches them from across the table. Their plan for the weekend is for Jaemin to come over on Friday after school, and maybe (hopefully?) spend the night at Renjun's. Renjun’s parents will be out of town until Sunday anyway, but the bell had rung before Renjun could inform him of that. 

“Are you sure that’s okay with you?” Jaemin asks him as they walk down the hall together. Renjun scratches the back of his neck and peers up at him nonchalantly.

“Yeah. My parents won’t be home anyway. Unless your parents will have a problem with that,” Renjun adds.

Jaemin shakes his head. It makes his earrings swing around and twinkle in the daylight coming in through the windows. Jaemin has a multitude of ear piercings as well; not as many as Renjun does, and not in the same style, but Renjun still can’t help finding them sort of attractive. 

“My parents won’t have a problem with it. I slept over at a close friend’s dorm pretty often back in NC. It’s no biggie,” Jaemin assures him, and Renjun immediately wonders if he’s talking about his boyfriend. 

“Okay. By the way, I’m kind of...bad, at working, so you’ll sort of have to remind me to get my parts of the assignment done, even when we’re together. Sorry. It might be kind of hard to work with me at first,” Renjun confesses. Jaemin reaches down and grabs his hand lightly, startling him a bit.

“I really don’t mind,” Jaemin responds, squeezing his hand once before letting go. “You don’t have to worry about that sort of stuff. Thanks for letting me know though.”

Renjun, slightly panicked, just nods and slips his hand into his pocket. They keep walking.

 

-

 

Friday comes a lot faster than expected. The school day itself goes by pretty smoothly, the only major issue he encounters being getting one of his earrings stuck in the material of Donghyuck’s sweater when he leans his head against his shoulder.

“You good?” Jeno laughs quietly from beside them. Renjun rolls his eyes but he’s kind of smiling too, because he's in a good mood. He's excited. Jaemin helps to unhook his stud from Donghyuck’s sweater and succeeds.

“Oh, by the way, should I bring anything in particular to your place tonight?” Jaemin asks him, stopping to munch on a stick of celery. Renjun grimaces. Celery is gross.

“I can’t really think of anything right now,” he answers truthfully, rubbing at his slightly-sore ear. “Just don’t forget to bring your toothbrush, laptop, and some clothes to sleep in.”

Jaemin hums and nods contentedly. Jeno leans forward, eyes wide with interest.

“What’s going on?” He asks. Renjun shrugs.

“Sleepover.”

Jeno pouts. “Without me?”

“It’s for our English project, dumbass,” Renjun laughs and Jeno leans back, looking wounded.

“Don’t you have a game tonight anyway?” Donghyuck questions. Jeno nods slowly, still pouting. 

Jaemin’s ears perk up. “You’re playing tonight?”

Jeno beams. “Yeah. It’s our first game of the season. You should come.” Renjun watches warily as Jaemin mirrors his best friend’s smile.

“English project due in one week,” he reminds them both, but mainly Jaemin. Now it’s Jaemin’s turn to pout. To be honest, Renjun could care less whether or not they get started on their project today (or _ever_ in that case), but he doesn’t want to risk having to inevitably deal with his feelings while watching Jeno play soccer. He figures that it’s just another Jeno-related weakness of his.

“Okay,” Jaemin relents, leaning his head against Renjun’s. Renjun complains that his hair will get messed up but doesn’t make to move away.

“Please?” He hears Jeno murmur and looks over in surprise. “I want you to come.”

Jeno looks at him with pleading eyes. Renjun blanches.

“Uh.”

“We’ll come,” Donghyuck says to Jeno, slapping a hand over his shoulder. “All three of us will. Right guys?”

Jaemin nods fervently. Renjun looks between Jaemin and Donghyuck silently, fighting Donghyuck with his eyes, but Donghyuck fights back. And he wins.

“Fine,” he says, chest tightening at Jeno’s hopeful expression.

Jeno’s his best friend, it won’t hurt to go and support him at his first game of the season, right?

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

-

 

“What are you wearing to the game?” Renjun asks the moment Donghyuck picks up his call.

“Probably just a short-sleeve and jeans. It’s fucking hot outside.” 

“I know,” Renjun grumbles. The weather has yet to cool down and it totally messes with his aesthetic. “What time are you picking me up?”

“Around 6. Be ready!”

Renjun hums and tosses his phone in the general direction of his bed.

 

“Who whore’d you up?” Is the first thing that comes out of Donghyuck’s mouth when Renjun slides into the passenger’s seat of his car. 

“Huh?” Renjun laughs, disbelievingly. “I’m just wearing a tank top.”

“And I’m pretty sure if you moved your arm forward an inch right now I’d be able to see your nipple,” Donghyuck points out. “And your _makeup?_ What, are we heading to a party that I’m unaware of?” 

Donghyuck giggles when Renjun reaches over and pinches his thigh. 

“Shut up,” he mutters, self-consciously smoothing down the front of his shirt. “I’m not even wearing that much makeup,” he says, eyeshadow coated over his eyelids, eyebrows penciled in, eyes lined, cheeks contoured, lips glossed—

“Uh huh,” Donghyuck drawls, driving down the street. “Does Jaemin need a ride?”

“He has one,” Renjun replies easily.

"He's definitely gonna throw a fit when he sees you."

Renjun gives him a weird look, but lets the moment pass.

 

“Oh my god?” 

Renjun and Donghyuck turn around to see Jaemin walking towards them, blinking rapidly. 

“Renjun, oh my god, I didn’t think that your cheekbones could get any sharper. Did you contour? You filled in your eyebrows, too! You look _amazing_ , holy shit,” Jaemin ends his praise with a wide smile. Renjun blinks at him, paralyzed. 

He feels the tips of his ears start to redden.

“Hi. You look good too.”

And he's not exaggerating. Jaemin does look good. His hair is curled inwards a bit at the ends, an art that Renjun was never able to perfect because his skills with a hair straightener are a solid negative-fifty. His features are also illuminated with a really pretty, shimmery peach-toned highlighter, making him seem more fairy-like. 

"Thanks."

His outfit is really cute too—probably one of Renjun’s favorites so far, despite being so simple. He’s wearing a fitted white t-shirt with high-waisted pale blue slacks and pink converse high-tops (there’s writing all over them done in silver sharpie). He seems to have toned down a bit with his accessories as well, the only jewelry he’s wearing being his usual earrings and a small heart-locket necklace.

“I really don’t know how you two manage to look so cute all the time. You make me look like trash,” Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. 

“Are you serious? Have you seen yourself?” Jaemin counters incredulously. “You don’t even have to try!”

“Stooop,” Donghyuck whines and pushes Jaemin’s shoulder back, blushing. “Let’s head towards the concession stand, guys. I want popcorn.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully i’ll get the next chapter done and uploaded before i start my ged prep course in two weeks,, yea let’s hope
> 
> comments r very appreciated! i read and (try to) reply to every one! <3


	3. secret tape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the formatting of this got kind of messed up so some of the spacing is a bit larger than i’d like it to be :/ hopefully it’s still fine with you guys!
> 
> warning for a minor death mention in this chapter. plus there’s talk of kissing but...they’re teenagers.  
> also the second half of this gets a bit dialogue-heavy; i wanted to provide some background information but i’m not exactly sure how useful any of it was (/_\\)
> 
> editing was a pain as always!  
>   
> 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

After they each get drinks and Donghyuck buys himself a bag of popcorn, they walk over to the stands to find suitable seats for the game. Most of the seats towards the center of the bleachers are taken, but they settle for seats to the left with no trouble.

A few kids from their school’s theater department say hi to Donghyuck on their way up the bleachers. Renjun gives them an uninterested glance and sips his soda, reaching out to steady Jaemin by the elbow when he stumbles over a step.

“The view isn't so bad,” Donghyuck says once they’ve settled onto their spots on the bench. Jaemin nods in agreement, eyes flitting over the field excitedly. Renjun snorts.

“You like soccer?” 

Jaemin turns to him. “I know nothing about it,” he admits, unabashed. “But I like watching sports in general, sometimes. I think it’s fun.”

Renjun hums. “I get what you mean.” He doesn’t. He hates sports.

But Renjun’s been to more of Jeno’s soccer games over the past five years than he honestly thinks is reasonable. Being best friends with an athlete is just like that, he supposes. 

When they’re past a quarter into the game, though, and it feels like there’s a stampede of elephants in place of his heart, he thinks this time might be a little different. 

(It’s like he can’t take his eyes off of him.)

Jeno moves fast, but Renjun’s eyes follow him with alarming ease. He runs, swerves past bodies, gives and receives passes. He also aims and kicks at the goal a couple of times, only to have the ball blocked by a member of the opposing team. 

But he scores, too, twenty-nine minutes into the game, and Renjun soars.

“GO LEE JENO!!!” Donghyuck yells through his cupped hands, cheeks flushed and eyes shining. Renjun feels his chest swell with pride too, and amongst the rush of emotions there’s something there that leaves him feeling a little hopeless.

Jaemin leans forward, a wide smile taking over his face. A small laugh escapes Renjun; Jaemin is practically bouncing in his seat with excitement. “He’s so good!” he exclaims, eyes glimmering.

“Yeah,” Renjun agrees, watching Jeno run a hand through his hair for the seventh time. “He is.”

Jeno scores two more times during the remainder of the game. They win.

  
  


-

  
  


“That was actually really fun,” Jaemin smiles as the three of them wait outside for Jeno to come out of the locker room. 

“I’m glad,” Donghyuck says, and they jump into a conversation about some kpop group after he shows Jaemin something on his twitter.

Renjun keeps his eyes trained on the locker room door.

A loud voice tears into their space.

“Hey, Hyuck!” 

_ No_, Renjun groans internally. He watches as Lucas bounds towards them with a small group of people. Nice. Fun. He can already feel himself migrating towards the trash can that stands a couple feet away. 

“I told you not to call me that,” Donghyuck sighs, looking up at their classmate. Lucas just brushes him off with a smirk. Renjun watches in disgust as he reaches down and hooks his thumb into his belt loop. It’s not sexy when  _ he  _ does it, but when Lucas does it? It’s hot for no reason.

“C’mon. We’re friends, no? Anyway, some of us are heading to Hardy’s for burgers, so...y’all are welcome to come join us if you want,” he offers, gesturing to Donghyuck, Jaemin, and then a bit awkwardly to Renjun, who’s standing isolated beside the trash can a few feet away from them. He stiffly avoids their gazes and pretends that he’s got something in his eye.

“Hey,” Jeno jogs over then, freshly showered and dressed in casual clothes. He stops at Renjun’s side to try and help him with whatever’s gotten into his eye, which is  _ literally _ nothing, so Renjun has to stand there and act like he’s pulled out an eyelash before offering Jeno a strained smile. He hopes his eye makeup isn’t as smudged as he thinks it is.  _ Fuck this heat. _

“So is that a yes?” Lucas asks, mainly to Donghyuck. One look at the boy makes it obvious that he’s in distress, so Jeno walks over to help.

“Yes to what?”

“Hardy’s.”

“Shit, I’m  _ starving _ . Who’s going?”

“Uhh, me, Jaehyun, Jungwoo, I think Jungwoo’s friend Doyoung, and some other seniors including Eunbin and Hyunjin-”

“Which Hyunjin?”

“Um, Kim?”

Renjun watches as Jeno blinks for a moment, expression shifting suspiciously before saying, “Yeah, we’ll go.”

Donghyuck bites his lip and walks over to latch onto Renjun’s arm. Renjun slides his hand down and laces their fingers together. Lucas glances down at their hands for a second before smiling up at Jeno. Renjun notices.

“Cool, see you guys there.” And with that they leave.

“Did someone drive you here?” Renjun asks Jaemin as they walk towards the parking lot.

“Nah, I drove.” 

Interesting. 

“I didn’t know you could drive.”

Jaemin laughs. “Yeah. You can ride with me if you want, I kind of need directions to this place anyway.”

Renjun nods. 

  
  


-

  
  
  


To no one’s surprise, Jaemin owns a cute and simple white Toyota Camry. Renjun slides into the passenger’s seat and clicks his seatbelt into place, breathing in the fruity scent of the air.

“It smells like cherries in here.”

Jaemin hums. “It’s the air freshener. I switch it out like every other week.”

They make it to Hardy’s with no problems. Renjun discovers that Jaemin is an exceptional parker, whereas Donghyuck’s car is parked so crookedly that it’s basically taking up two spaces.

“Leave me alone,” Donghyuck grumbles as the four of them make their way into the diner. 

Unsurprisingly, Lucas and his people are already there, filling up a grand number of two tables and a booth.

“Good to see you!”

“We saw each other twenty minutes ago,” Donghyuck responds, smiling sweetly at Lucas before brushing past him to find a seat. Behind him, Jaehyun covers his mouth with his fist and makes an  _ ‘ohhh’  _ sound. Lucas just plops back down onto his chair, eyebrows raised slightly in shock.

“Jeno, what do you think you’re gonna ge…” Renjun trails off when he realizes that Jeno’s no longer beside him. He looks around to find him sitting at another booth with three girls, one arm slung around Hyunjin’s shoulder. They’re laughing.

Renjun slumps back into his seat. 

Okay, hold up.

“I want a milkshake. Injun-ah, will you share one with me?” Donghyuck asks him, nudging his leg under the table with his shoe. Renjun ignores how hard his pulse is pounding, like it’s physically trying to escape from under his skin. He has no right to be upset. He has absolutely no right to be upset—

“Ask Jaemin,” he mutters, raising his hand to wave someone over. “Excuse me, can we get three waters here?”

  
  


-

  
  


By the time Jaemin and Donghyuck get started on their chocolate shake, Renjun is passed out with his cheek pressed against the cold surface of the table. It’s not that unusual for him to fall asleep in public places, and this time is no exception; It’s nearing ten and his stomach is full of grease and sweet potato fries. 

“Asleep?” Jeno questions quietly when he slides into the empty spot next to Renjun. Donghyuck stares at him silently before nodding.

“Passed out ten minutes ago. Don’t wake him.”

Jeno nods and sits back, scrolling through his phone. A couple minutes pass by before he sets his phone down and shrugs off his denim jacket. Donghyuck watches as he gently drapes it over Renjun’s back, mouth pulled into a thin line.

“Donghyuck,” Jaemin nudges him lightly. “The shake’s melting.”

“Hm? Oh,” he leans over and swirls his straw in it before taking a large sip.

“Good job on winning the game, by the way,” Jaemin tells Jeno, who’s started folding a napkin into origami. “You’re great.”

“Thanks,” he replies shyly. “I probably could’ve performed better.”

“Nonsense,” Donghyuck murmurs around his straw. 

Jeno shrugs with a smile. 

They end up leaving not much later, when one of the girls spots a cockroach under the table and screeches so loud that Renjun jolts awake.

“Fuck,” he mutters, almost reaching up to rub at his eyes before realizing that he still has makeup on. “Fuck,” he says again.

“Let’s go,” Donghyuck offers. They stand up, Renjun grasping at the edges of Jeno’s jacket curiously. 

“I’m not cold,” he tells him, but he doesn’t hear.

“We were just about to leave as well,” Lucas announces when he spots Donghyuck walking towards him. He’s just trying to get to the exit. “I’ll, uh, see you guys later?”

“Sure,” Donghyuck gives him a fake smile as they leave.

  
  


-

  
  


“Drive safely.” 

“We will,” Jaemin assures Donghyuck. Renjun nods and grins at him tiredly from the passenger’s seat. 

Jeno knocks on his window then, and Renjun rolls it down, peering up at him. “Hey,” he says.

“What.”

“Thanks for coming today?” 

“Oh. Well, here’s your jacket.”

“Right.” Jeno takes his jacket back with a smile. “Thanks. You guys get home safe!”

“We will. Bye, Hyuck,” Renjun says, loud enough for Donghyuck, who’s currently walking back to his car, to hear. He sees Donghyuck blow a kiss to him through the side view mirror as they leave.

  
  


-

  
  


“Your place is so much nicer than mine,” Jaemin marvels as he steps into Renjun’s living room. Renjun makes a small sound of disbelief.

“It’s boring,” he says. “My parents aren’t that into decorating, and neither am I, so. This is it.”

“I like it. It’s simple. I don’t really remember what living in a house feels like. My aunt prefers apartments.”

“You live with your aunt?” Renjun pauses for a moment, turning around to face Jaemin. Jaemin nods. “I thought you said that you lived with your parents.”

Jaemin’s eyes widen. “Did I? Sorry, it’s sort of a habit. I usually say ‘my parents’ instead of ‘my aunt’, ‘cause it’s easier. People don’t ask questions.”

Renjun hums. “How long have you lived with your aunt?”

“Six years.”

“That’s cool,” Renjun says, turning back around to pour Jaemin a glass of water. “I won’t ask questions.”

Jaemin lets out a breathy laugh. “No, no. I mean, we  _ are _ having a sleepover, right? You can ask me. I think I’m comfortable enough to be honest with you.”

“Well. In that case,” Renjun hands him the glass of water. “What...happened? With your parents.”

Jaemin hums and leans against the kitchen island. “When I was in sixth grade, about two weeks before Christmas break, my mom got caught having an affair with one of her coworkers.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. My dad sorta lost it, I think, and within that same week, he ended up drunk driving and crashing into an SUV. He, uh…” 

Jaemin swallows. Renjun waits patiently for him to continue.

“He killed someone. A child.”

There’s a pause. Jaemin takes a sip of his water.

“ _Shit,_ Jaemin. I’m so sorry.” 

Jaemin shakes his head. “No,  _ I’m _ sorry. To that family. I’m sorry that my dad fucked up and caused them so much grief.”

Renjun takes a moment to process Jaemin’s words, staring down at the granite countertop. Despite the tenseness in Jaemin’s voice, he doesn’t seem particularly aggressive towards the situation. Instead, his anger seems more subdued, like he’s had a long time to process what happened. Renjun supposes that he has.

“What happened after?”

Jaemin’s lips quirk up slightly; ironically.

“Dad got locked up, and my mom decided that it was all too much for her. Decided that  _ I  _ was too much for her. My sister was dorming at her university at the time, so I couldn’t stay with her. So my mom dropped me off at her younger half-sister’s apartment and left. She has another family now, with the coworker she was cheating on my dad with. A daughter.” Jaemin sighs. “But I’m happy living with my aunt. She’s pretty liberal, and is accepting of me. That’s why she didn’t have much of a problem with me sleeping over at my boyfriend’s dorm a lot. I mean, we’re no longer boyfriends, but yeah.”

Jaemin looks up at him and they make eye contact. He laughs, causing Renjun’s shocked expression to crack into a disbelieved smile. 

“That’s...a lot. I hope you don’t regret telling me any of it.”

“Nah. Not many people know about my parents besides my close family and Hwi-hyung. He’s my-”

“Boyfriend.“

“- _Ex-_ boyfriend, yeah,” Jaemin shrugs. “I trust that you won’t tell anyone. I honestly feel kind of good after telling you. Like...a weight has been lifted off of my chest.”

“That’s good. That’s really good, Jaemin,” Renjun says. “God, I probably look like shit right now. I shouldn’t get emotional.”

Jaemin pouts. “You look amazing, seriously. Even if your makeup’s all over the place,” he laughs. “There’s eyeliner smudged on your cheek.” Renjun winces.

“Where?” 

“Like right...there,” Jaemin leans over and points at the spot. Renjun reaches up and rubs at it with his thumb, pouting.

“Did I get it?”

“Yeah. Anyways, feel free to tell me anything. I just dumped all of my personal shit onto you, so I guess it’s your turn. Only if you want.”

Renjun takes a deep breath. “I think there are still some things that I’m not comfortable with sharing, yet. But I can talk about my parents, since I really don’t care.”

Jaemin gives him a nod of encouragement, sitting on one of the island stools.

“My relationship with my parents isn’t good at all,” he starts. “I don’t think I’ve had a proper conversation with either of them in weeks. My dad and I...we were never close, but I remember having a good relationship with my mom up until high school started. Then I became depressed and things got difficult. My parents didn’t understand mental illness. Or, more so, they didn’t understand why  _ I _ had one. They still don’t.”

“Renjun, I’m sorry.”

Renjun shakes his head. “I’m used to it by now. They agreed to get me meds and everything in sophomore year, but they were so discouraging about me taking them at home that I just stopped taking them completely. I’m not seeing a therapist now either, so I’m just sort of cruising through things, not really able to face things head-on. It doesn’t help that I started getting into piercings and shit last year. They’re pretty against me putting holes in my face and all that.”

“Yeah,” Jaemin nods in understanding. “Renjun, there’s nothing stopping you from seeking professional help now that you’re an adult and can do that for yourself. You don’t need your parents’ permission anymore. I don’t want to act like I know what’s best for you, I just want you to be better...Just remember that I’m here, and so is Donghyuck, and Jeno.”

Renjun bites his lip, head tilted down so that Jaemin can’t see his expression. Jaemin straightens up when he hears Renjun sniffle.

“Renjun.” He hops down from the stool and walks around the island, not hesitating when he reaches forward and turns Renjun’s body towards him. “Don’t cry,” he whispers, pulling him into a hug.

“I wish they’d just—love me,” he croaks, his shoulders deflating.

“They do. They  _ do _ love you, of course they do, Renjun.”

Renjun cries quietly into Jaemin’s shoulder. They stay like that for a moment, the room silent besides Renjun’s muffled sniffling, before he pulls back with a wet gasp.

“I got eyeliner all over your shirt,” he whispers in horror.

Jaemin stares down at him with a _ ‘so what?’  _ look on his face.

“I got this shirt at H&M for like six bucks. I’ll live. Plus, I volunteered to have you in my arms, so it’s not your fault,” he reassures him, smiling a little gummy smile. Renjun laughs tearily and pulls away to drink out of Jaemin’s glass of water.

“We should get washed up. I probably smell like burger grease and grass.”

“Me too. Is it okay if I shower?”

“Yeah,” Renjun says. You can shower in my bathroom, I’ll use my parents’ shower. Follow me.”

  
  


-

  
  


Donghyuck pulls up to the front of Jeno’s house and stops the car. Jeno turns to thank Donghyuck, but Donghyuck cuts him off.

“Jeno.”

Jeno furrows his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Why did you ask us to come tonight?” Donghyuck questions, his tone slightly hard.  _ Why did you ask Renjun to come to the game? _

“Because I wanted to see you guys. Why?” Jeno asks, confused.

“I mean, it’s just—you didn’t even sit with us at Hardy’s. You sat with Hyunjin and Eunbin and that homophobic bitch  _ Rachel_,” he refrains from spitting out her name. __ “Jaemin and Renjun needed to work on their English project tonight, and...look, I don’t mean to sound like I’m mad at you Jen, but next time, don’t ask us to come if you don’t plan on hanging out with us.”

“What the hell. I’m...sorry? Hyuck, I didn’t mean to offend you guys.”  _ You offended Renjun. _

“Yeah. Whatever. Goodnight.” Donghyuck presses the button that unlocks Jeno’s door. Jeno wordlessly climbs out, his varsity bag slung over his shoulder.

“Goodnight,” he says back, before slamming the door shut.

  
  


-

  
  


“The gold bottle is shampoo, the white one with the black cap is conditioner, and the white one with the blue cap is body wash.”

“I can read labels, Renjun,” Jaemin teases. Renjun rolls his eyes.

“There are clean towels in the cabinet. I think you can take it from here. Did you bring extra clothes?”

“Yes, I did. Thanks,” Jaemin says, gently pushing him out of the bathroom. 

“Scream if you need anything.”

“But you won’t hear me.”

“That’s the point,” Renjun smirks. Jaemin scoffs and shuts the door.

They both take around fifteen minutes to shower. When Jaemin sees Renjun step out of his parents’ room at the end of the hall, he coos.

“You’re  _ adorable_.” 

“Fuck off,” Renjun laughs. His wet hair is in his eyes and he’s wearing a giant star wars t-shirt with thin shorts. “Look at yourself.”

“I mean, yeah, I’m pretty cute,” Jaemin smiles, damp hair framing his cheeks endearingly. He has on a soft lounge shirt from Aéropostale and pink pajama pants. “But you look like a little cupcake.”

Renjun grimaces. “Please don’t say that.”

“What? I just wanna eat you u-”

“I’m being harassed,” Renjun sighs to no one in particular, leading Jaemin into his bedroom.

“I can throw a couple blankets on the floor and let you sleep on the bed, but my bed is honestly big enough to fit the both of us. Your choice.”

“I have no problem with sharing a bed. Plus, you’re tiny,” Jaemin giggles, pinching Renjun’s cheek. 

“Nevermind, you can sleep on the bare carpet,” Renjun blurts, and hops onto the bed. He attempts to spread his limbs out so that there’s no space left for Jaemin, but fails.

“I can still fit. You’re too short.”

“Fuck you,” is Renjun’s muffled reply. Jaemin rolls him over so that he’s taking up the inner half of the bed and leans against the headboard.

“Maybe later,” Jaemin smirks. Renjun lets out a gasp.

“That’s the first time you’ve said anything mildly dirty to me. I‘m so touched,” he says, pretending to wipe a tear away from his eye. Jaemin just watches him with a toothy smile that’s both fond and amused.

“Renjun,” he says a moment later, still smiling.

“What.”

“There’s a lizard on your floor and it’s kind of freaking me out.”

“Oh my  _ god,”  _ Renjun gasps, scrambling across the bed to reach down and cup Feng into his hands. “How’d you manage to get out of your house? I could’ve  _ stepped  _ on you!”

“Oh, it’s your pet.”

“My  _ companion,  _ yes. His name is Feng.” Renjun stares down at Feng’s unharmed body with intense worry. “Oh my god, you could’ve died.”

“He’s okay, Renjun,” Jaemin assures him, patting him on the knee. “Can I hold him?”

“Yeah. Just- just put your hand out like this,” he says, demonstrating. Jaemin follows, and Renjun allows Feng to crawl onto his palm.

Jaemin watches in awe as Feng steps forward slowly, beginning to move up his forearm. “He’s so cute. What type of lizard is he?”

“A Tokay Gecko Morph. I’ve had him for about two and a half years now,” Renjun answers, brushing his thumb over the top of Feng’s head. “He’s my baby.”

“Wow. My cat would eat him right up.”

Renjun shrieks.

  
  


-

  
  


“So what’s it like, dating someone?” Renjun asks once they’re lying side-by-side in the dark, hair dry and eyelids drooping. Most importantly, Feng’s been placed back into the safety of his tank.

“I have limited experience, but dating Hwiyoung-hyung was nice. Like, really nice. You care if I ramble a bit?”

Renjun shakes his head. “I did ask,” he reminds him. Jaemin laughs.

“You’re right. Well, Hwi-hyung and I knew each other since he was a junior and I was a freshman. But we’re only a little over a year apart, since I have a late birthday.”

“When’s your birthday?”

“August thirteenth.”

“Two-thousand?”

“Yep.”

“Oh, cool, I’m older,” Renjun smirks.

“When’s  _ your  _ birthday?” Jaemin asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

“March twenty-third.”

“That’s only,” Jaemin pauses to count the difference. “Five months.” 

Renjun shrugs. “Technically, I should be graduated by now, so that makes me your senior. Technically.”

“But you’re not,” Jaemin counters, a smile creeping onto his face. Renjun huffs.

“Whatever. Continue.”

“Where was I? So, Hwi-hyung and I started hanging out after we met in poetry club. He got me to join the youth group at his church, and we realized that we lived relatively near each other, so we carpooled. The next thing I knew, we were hanging out a couple times a week. We became best friends despite the gap in our grades,” he pauses. “Then in the summer before my sophomore year, he started dating this girl from our church. Yeeun-noona. She was a really cool person, hyung’s type. I think it’s kind of inevitable that we started to hang out less.”

“What happened?”

“I was fine with it. Like, I wasn’t so attached to him that it felt like a huge loss. We still hung out, just less often. I wasn’t particularly jealous of Yeeun-noona. But then he forgot my birthday.”

“Oh, no.”

“You see, Yeeun-noona’s birthday is three days before mine. I guess hyung was so caught up with her that he forgot about me,” Jaemin laughs. “Thinking back, I was really upset about it. Upset at him. But I didn’t want to let this one thing ruin our friendship, you know? So I avoided him for a couple of days before inviting him over. I acted like everything was normal. But Renjun, he brought me  _ flowers_.” 

Jaemin laughs again. “I think that’s when I really started to develop feelings for him. My heart fluttered every time I thought about him, I couldn’t stop blushing when we were together. At this point, I  _ was _ kinda jealous of Yeeun-noona. And the worst part was, Hwi-hyung didn’t even know that I was gay yet.”

“Shit. He didn’t?” Renjun asks. Jaemin shakes his head. 

“I started to get anxious. Hyung spent all of this time with Yeeun-noona, and I would pine over him for days at a time. Then we would hang out sometimes on the weekends and all I could think was:  _ he doesn’t know.  _ This went on for months. My anxiety started to get so bad that I couldn’t function properly.

“So like any normal human being, I vagued him on my instagram story. He came over a few days later,” Jaemin pauses to muffle his laughter with the back of his hand. “And we were in my room, and he asked me who my post was about. I just burst into tears. Renjun, I started  _ sobbing_.” 

“You poor thing,” Renjun sympathizes, blindly reaching over to pat him on the arm. He ends up patting Jaemin’s wrist instead, and Jaemin grabs onto his hand, holding it.

“He was so shocked. I can still remember his face,” Jaemin says, smiling. “He asked me what was wrong, and I just...came out to him. I straight-up told him I was gay. He hugged me and I cried for like ten minutes straight. It felt like everything that was building up inside of me during those previous four months was finally letting loose. I could breathe.”

A pause.

“Then he came out to me, too. Told me he was bisexual. He stayed the night that night and I confessed to him—sorta. I didn’t tell him that I liked him, but I said, and I quote, ‘Yeeun-noona is really lucky to have you’, and then I fell asleep.”

“You didn’t.”

“I  _ did_. I woke up the next morning and damn-near had a panic attack. But Hwi-hyung calmed me down and told me that everything was okay, and then we went to church.” 

“So how’d you guys end up getting together?”

“Easy. I kissed him.”

“ _What?”_ Renjun exclaims, tightening his grip on Jaemin’s hand. “Like,  _ when?” _

“Relax. It was after he and Yeeun-noona broke up. They split a couple of weeks before his graduation. He told me it was because she was planning on moving to Canada in the summer, and they didn’t want to keep things long-distance.

“So, the night of Hwiyoung-hyung’s graduation, I went over to his place and had dinner with his family. Afterwards, we went upstairs to get ready for bed since I was sleeping over. I waited until we were both done washing up before I cornered him in the bathroom and-” Jaemin smacks his hands together, startling Renjun. “Kissed him.”

“...Did he kiss back?” Renjun whispers. He  _ feels _ Jaemin’s face break into a grin next to him. “Oh my god.”

“Yeah…” Jaemin sighs dreamily. “Our first kiss, I’ll never forget it.”

“You’re so fucking lucky. My first kiss with a guy was—well, it wasn’t  _ bad,  _ but. It was embarrassing. He was an idiot.”

“Who was it?”

“This dude named Mark. He graduated early last year. You wanna hear about it?”

“Sure. Wow, this really feels like a sleepover.”

“...It is. Anyways, it was at a Halloween party last year hosted by this girl named Lua-”

“She’s in my anatomy class.”

“-yeah. So, I’m like two shots in, right? ‘M not even buzzed. But for some reason, I agree to play seven minutes in heaven with a group of...acquaintances, I guess. Hyuck  _ forced _ me, I wasn’t exactly expecting to get chosen. But I’m sitting there, right, and the girl who’s in charge of ‘the hat’ calls out my name. I’m frozen in shock. I’m secretly hoping that she’ll call out Hyuck’s name next just so I don’t have to be locked inside of a closet with a stranger. But no, she fucking calls out  _ Mark Lee _ , and I watch my life flash before my eyes.

“So Mark and I make eye contact from across the room, and let me fucking tell you: he’s cute, okay? So my heartbeat picks up like-” Renjun hits his fist against his chest rapidly, “-and one of Mark’s friends goes ‘no homo!  _ haha’. _ And then we walk into the closet, the door shuts behind me, and our seven minutes start.

“We stand there in silence. The light is on, _thank_ _god,_ but it’s awkward _._ Then he speaks up and says, ‘You’re Winwin’s friend, right?’ and I go, ‘Yeah. You know him?’ and he goes, ‘Yeah! He’s friends with my cousin,’ and then we’re back to sharing awkward silence. 

“Also, this was when I was first starting to experiment with piercings, so I didn’t have these yet,” he gestures to his eyebrow and mouth. “But I had a nose piercing. So Mark goes, ‘I like your nose piercing,’ and I say, ‘Thanks,’ and then we just kind of. Hold eye contact. And it feels like he’s expecting me to do something, right? But from what I know, Mark is straight. Like the annoying kind of straight. So I just stand there. But then he leans forward and  _ kisses me_.” 

A laugh bubbles out of Jaemin’s throat. “This really happened?” he questions, clearly entertained.

“It gets worse. Well,  _ better, _ and  _ then _ worse. Mark’s, like, kind of an aggressive kisser. And it’s not like I haven’t kissed anyone before him, but it’s not like I’ve kissed that many people either. But I manage to catch on pretty quickly, and not only is this my first time kissing a guy, we were kind of making out. So it’s like, good, you know? Then we start moving deeper into the closet, and he leans down and starts  _ kissing my neck _ —I have a  _ sensitive_- _ass_ neck, Jaemin! And then the door fucking flies open. Literally. I pushed Mark away so hard that he banged his head on the metal rod holding up the clothes. Everything fell down.”

Jaemin’s on the floor. 

“Oh my  _ god,  _ Renjun. Jesus!”

“Yeah, I know! And the person at the door was  _ Hyuck_. He started laughing so hard that he almost threw up. I just walked out of the closet and straight to the bathroom, leaving Mark to struggle alone on the floor. I stared at myself in the mirror for like five minutes before leaving.” 

“Leaving the bathroom or the party?”

“The party. I left Lua’s house and walked to the gas station and took an Uber home.”

“Renjun, I c-can’t breathe,” Jaemin wheezes from the floor, crouched down beside the bed.

“Well I’m about to end you, ‘cause Mark DM’ed me the day after saying some shit like, ‘don’t tell any1 abt that, i’m straight haha, you’re hot tho’. Like what the fuck was I supposed to say to that? I blocked him,” Renjun giggles.

“I—” Jaemin wheezes again.

“Dude, Jaemin, don’t  _ actually  _ die. Come on, get up,” he reaches his hand out for Jaemin to take it.

“I’m straight  _ haha,  _ you’re  _ hot  _ though? Who says that! Oh my gosh, Jun, I’m so sorry,” Jaemin manages to say. It takes another two minutes for him to calm down.

He climbs back onto the bed. 

“Have you guys talked since?”

Renjun scoffs. “No. And I’m glad we haven’t.”

“Good. Can we go to sleep now? I feel like I just fractured a rib.”

“You probably  _ did  _ from wheezing so hard, dumbass.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [edit: i just realized that hs soccer games probably aren’t held on fridays bc they would clash w football season?? probably? i have no idea but yea sorry if this isn’t accurate lol i’m not writing from experience] 
> 
> also just in case some of you got confused, jaehyun, jungwoo and doyoung are in college/have already graduated! same with mark.
> 
> as always comments/feedback are very appreciated and you can reach me at @halloweenct on tumblr <3


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